The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
