sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize