i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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