Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
