the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
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The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.