there's paper in my vomit.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
