I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
