and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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