My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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