my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
