Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
