never play flip cup with pint glasses
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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