His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
