All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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