If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
