I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
