we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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