you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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