Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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