I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she peed on how many people?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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