I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
