Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
