I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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