so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
