A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
