Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
