Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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