We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
