Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
