I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
