Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
