sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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