i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My ATM looks so different sober.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
