my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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