Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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