I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
