I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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