Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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