Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
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No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
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I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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