Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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