she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
