I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she smelled like a LAN party
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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