someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he was CRYING into my vagina
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
