Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
