Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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