Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize