I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
