my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
