What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
