Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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