theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My penis needs a shock collar
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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