im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
