So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
