I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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